NICOLE TEENY: 7:00 p.m., April 29th, 2023, Big Hill Lake Campground, Kansas. Purpose? The pre-ride meeting. There are smells of hay, campfire, and competition. Tomorrow, I’ll be joining an endurance ride, AKA horse ultra marathon, called Ride Like the Wind. And the race is just 12 hours away. (WHISTLE)

 

MELISSA MARTINEZ: Hey, everybody. (CHEERS) I’m gonna keep it short. Riders are going out at 7:00. The 30-mile–

 

(Overtalk)

 

NICOLE TEENY: Melissa Martinez is the ride manager. She’s letting me join tomorrow’s ride, under the requirement that I attend this meeting. My legs are restless. It could be because I’m tampering my mileage, but it’s most likely the pre-race jitters.

 

MELISSA MARTINEZ: We do have a runner here, today. She’s gonna run with the 50-mile horses. Where are you, Nicole? (APPLAUSE)

 

VOICE (OFF-MIC): She’s right here.

 

MELISSA MARTINEZ: Nicole flew here for this ride, from New York City. (APPLAUSE) It is Nicole’s dream to beat one of the horses. (LAUGHTER) So– 

 

NICOLE TEENY: I scan the crowd. It’s a field of cowboy hats and flannel. There must be about 70 people here. This weekend’s event actually features three different races, two smaller races and the big one, the 50-miler. There are 18 horses and riders who I will have to run against for the full 50. But, out of everyone, I’m the only competitor on two feet. After a few more logistics, rules, and warnings, rider stands up.

 

MALE VOICE: So we want to keep horse lanes between each other, don’t crowd each other. We don’t want accidents. We just came from a ride, where it was an accident. We don’t want it to happen here.

 

NICOLE TEENY: There were accidents at other rides? This is not what I wanted to hear. These horses could barrel right over me, just like the stampede in my visions. (NEIGHING) Some of the riders here are the fastest in the country, if not the world. The competition is gonna be stiff. 

 

NICOLE TEENY: But, after five years of preparation, I am ready, ready to defeat some horses. With epilepsy, my body betrayed me, the seizures, haunting visions, the complete lack of control. According to Descartes, the mind uses animal spirits to steer (NOISE) the body.

 

NICOLE TEENY: But, for me, it’s been the other way around. These spirits are out of control. And my body has taken over. But that’s all gonna change. It’s time for my mind to regain the reins. I might not be able to erase epilepsy, but in this race, this is one place where my mind can push my body and push it to the extreme. I want to prove that I still have agency, that I’m strong, physically and mentally. So not only am I going to run an ultra marathon, but I am going to outrun a horse. It’s time for equine domination.

 

MZ HORSE: You cannot outrun me.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Yeah. We’ll see about that. And all of this culminates tomorrow, when I’ll finally get an answer to this burning question I’ve had for five years. Can I, Nicole Teeny, in a 50-mile race, beat a horse? Shit is about to get real because tomorrow, we ride at dawn. (HELICOPTER)

 

NICOLE TEENY: I’m Nicole Teeny. And this is GIRL v. HORSE, episode four, our final episode, “Race Day”. It’s 6:15 a.m., T minus 45 minutes till race start. I’m at Big Hill Lake Campground. I pull into base camp with my squad. Mom, Dad, and Mariel are here as my own personal A-Team. (CHIME)

 

NICOLE TEENY: I swing open the car door, lower my sunglasses, and my hair whips around me in slow motion. (CHIME) Then, I’m hit by two tidal waves, (NEIGHING) first, the smells; coffee, propane, dung. (BUZZING) Next, when I lock eyes onto the horses, it’s the second wave, adrenaline. This is happening. It’s really happening. Camp is bustling. I find a grassy area to get situated and I do my dynamic stretches.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I check out the competition. Horses fill up the dirt roads like it’s morning rush hour. Some are warming up and others are going to and from vet check, where, just like at Mannequin’s horse race, these horses are getting checked out to make sure that they’re healthy before the race, during the race, and after the race. And, by the looks of it, these horses are more than just healthy; they look like they’re in good shape. I mean, look at that horse. That horse is in good shape.

 

FEMALE VOICE: They are fit.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Damn. They look fierce. I pull up my socks. The weather is perfect, which is terrible because I had hoped the race would be hot, hot enough for me to cash in on, at least, out-sweating a horse. But now, the forecast is predicting 73° with an increased chance of losing.

 

NICOLE TEENY: But there isn’t too much time to worry because, pretty soon– (SHOUTING) 6:56 a.m., almost go time. I check my blue running vest, one last time, just to make sure I have everything. Hydration bladder, okay, check. Fuel, check. Tick tweezers, okay, check.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I’m rummaging around. Where is it? I find it, a tiny zipper baggy with four blue pills. This is my epilepsy medication. I’ve gotten used to the fact that I need these to live. So I carry backup, everywhere, just in case. God forbid I get stranded. I recheck my vest for the Nth time. I remember what my coach, Sarah, always says.

 

COACH SARAH: Control the controllables.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Checking my vest is something I can control.

 

VOICE (OFF-MIC): One minute.

 

NICOLE TEENY: 6:59 a.m. I snap my vest on. (SNAP) Let’s get this party started. I walk on my tip toes to the start line to warm up my calves. The start line isn’t as much of a line as it is a picnic table. This picnic table is going to be my holy grail because it’s also where the race will finish. Guys, it’s really happening. Oh, my god.

 

MOM: Of course.

 

MARIEL: You feel nervous? Feeling good? Feeling excited?

 

NICOLE TEENY: A little of both, a little nervous, a little excited. It’ll be– it’s– it’s crazy that it’s actually here, now. I still hope I beat a horse. (LAUGH) I want to go back with my head held high, (LAUGH) my mane in the air. (LAUGH) Well, a solid pun to hide the anxiety. I’ll see my family, mid race, to swap out supplies. Mom bestows me with a pre-race pep talk.

 

MOM: I can’t believe that we’re at this point, that, hey–

 

MARIEL: You’re ready. (LAUGH)

 

NICOLE TEENY: We’re ready.

 

MOM: I’m ready. I don’t know. I’m not running it, but I’m still ready. (LAUGH) I’m ready, for you. I– you’re gonna do good. I– I have all kinds of confidence in you, yeah. 

 

NICOLE TEENY: I haven’t started running, yet. But my heart is already pounding. (HEART POUNDING) Here we go. Remember your goal: 3. Just one horse, 2. Master your body, 1. (ALARM) 7:00 a.m. race start.

 

ANNOUNCER: Trail is open.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Guys, the 50’s started. The 50’s started. I gotta go.

 

(Overtalk)

 

MARIEL: So proud of you. You are doing this.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Thank you. Yeah. Hopefully– hopefully, I make it out. Hopefully, I see you.

 

MARIEL: Well, off she goes. I can’t believe she’s gone now, just like, that, yeah.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I turn on my watch. (BEEPING)

 

GPS: Starting GPS.

 

NICOLE TEENY: It’s show time, baby. I start out, just a bit after the 18 horses, and a little hot. I’m a little excited. For now, it’s just me, the trail, and my phone. So less than five minutes in, feeling good. Like, okay, you know, maybe, this can happen. (SNIFF)

 

NICOLE TEENY: Fifty miles is a lot. But the course is broken up into three loops, all finishing at base camp. That’s where, after the first and second loop, the horses will get mandatory vet checks and safety breaks. These rest stops are at 20 and 35 miles. They’re my best chance at gaining on the horses.

 

NICOLE TEENY: When they have to stop, I’ll keep going. This makes the conditions similar to a persistence hunt, where the prey takes breaks in the shade. The hunter uses their pause to close the gap. And, for my chase, I want to be like the hunter and use this time to get ahead.

 

NICOLE TEENY: The first loop is 20 miles. It’s the longest, but easiest stretch. That’s because I’ll still have energy and hopefully won’t run into any (NEIGHING) horses. I’m not even a mile in. I was not expecting one this earlier, especially one that already looks flustered.

 

NICOLE TEENY: No, it was kicking up at– (UNINTEL) it kicked. The rider is off, holding the reins to the horse, trying to calm her down. She tells me that Rosalyn, a big, healthy-looking Chestnut mare, got anxious, starting out. My stomach drops. The ride soothes Rosalyn. And then, she encourages me to pass. But Rosalyn’s glare is burning a hole into my chest. Then, I remember my training.

 

COACH SARAH: You gotta stick with it. You will find a breakthrough.

 

NICOLE TEENY: How can I beat a horse, if I can’t even pass the horse? I will not be intimidated by this horse or the horses inside me. They do not own today. I will buckle down and move forward. (SIGH) I squeezed past her on the narrow trail. It feels like I just barely made it out of there alive. At least, she was stationary. Oh, my god. I cannot believe it. I actually passed a horse. So I actually passed my first horse, so a strong start. My very first horse, I’m no longer in last place. One down, 17 to go.

 

GPS: One mile, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten miles. (NEIGHING)

 

NICOLE TEENY: Ugh. No. My lead did not last long. The horse is rapidly approaching. But the trail is narrow. I call out. Here it comes. Hi. I remember what happened when I ran beside my Aunt Cindy and her horse Lucy. Oh, my gosh, Aunt Cindy, are you okay? Do I just stand off to the side and let her pass? Hell, no. I’m here to win.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Time to run with the horses. (SIGH) Then, it’s like my race enters a whole new level. The horse and I move next to one another, side by side. It’s kind of like when you’re in a car, driving on the freeway, and you’re parallel next to another car, frozen together in that moment.

 

MZ HORSE: Our bodies, our minds, our being.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I can feel my feet beneath me, lifting me with every step. And then, my parallel horse passes me, leaving me in the dust. When you intellectualize it, but then when you’re there and you’re doing it, it’s like it’s very visceral.

 

NICOLE TEENY: So I feel like that was real– pretty neat. My body tingles with success. I’m in this game, now, muscles in full gear, ready to kick some horse ass. It’s almost 11 miles, feeling good. But you’ve still got a lot of race left. So (SIGH) I gotta keep running, signing out. I snarl off a bite of burrito. Then, I put my head down. (BEEPING)

 

GPS: Twelve miles, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Finally, I complete the first loop. I’m back at base camp, feeling like a bad ass.

 

VOICES: Hi. Hi.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Hi. I fly in and high-five my A-Team. But I know I can’t get too comfortable. (LAUGH) This is the place where the horses should also be stopped for their vet checks. It’s my chance to get ahead.

 

VOICE (OFF-MIC): You’re doing pretty good.

 

FEMALE VOICE: I’m very proud of you.

 

NICOLE TEENY: It’s nice to see you guys. That really makes a difference.

 

FEMALE VOICE: Yeah. I mean, you’re looking good.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I only have a couple of minutes to swap out supplies. Two horses that I know of passed me on the first loop, before I got here. So I check out the total to see how many horses have gotten in.

 

ANNOUNCER: Zero one one is down. So all the 50s are in–

 

NICOLE TEENY: Yes.

 

VOICE (OFF-MIC): Okay. That’s it.

 

NICOLE TEENY: This is not ideal. There are no horses behind me. I’m in last place. I spritz on a layer of bug spray and try to reassure myself, it’s okay, they still have their vet check. All of the horses are still probably taking their 45-minute break.

 

ANNOUNCER: So they have nine on the 50s that are on their 45-minute hold.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Am I in there?

 

MARIEL: Yeah. One just left. So, maybe, eight.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I had been counting on this first vet check break as the time I’d pass some horses. But half of them are no longer in vet check. There goes my advantage. They’ve only got one final vet check left.

 

FEMALE VOICE: You got– four seconds, three seconds, two seconds, one second, you’re out.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I’m just about to leave vet check, when another horse takes off. My chances at closing the gap are slimming by the minute. 

 

MALE VOICE: I’m gonna ask y’all the question everyone’s dying to know, where is Nicole?

 

NICOLE TEENY: I’m diving into the second big loop. And I’m about to reach the lake. I’m still ahead of seven out of the 18 horses. And I’m trying to think positive. I’m literally in the middle of the path. But that’s just because they were doing the vet check, which means as soon as they’re out, they’re zipping. So I gotta, like, gain time, when I can. Okay.

 

GPS: Twenty two miles, 23 miles, 24 miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: The course weaves through the park with a bunch of overlapping trails. They all loop back to base camp. A few miles in, my path crosses with another. And that’s where I meet up with Mariel. She swoops in and then runs alongside me, handing me fuel and fresh water.

 

GPS: Twenty five miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: That’s 25 miles.

 

MARIEL: Whoa.

 

NICOLE TEENY: That’s halfway. That feels like a big milestone.

 

MARIEL: Wow. Seriously, halfway? You’re doing great on time.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Can’t believe that. That’s not–

 

MARIEL: Do you feel good?

 

NICOLE TEENY: Yeah. I’m– I’m just surprised how well we’re doing. First (UNINTEL), like, (UNINTEL). Yeah.

 

MARIEL: But, still, it’s a very good sign. You’re, you know, almost a marathon. You’re doing good, habibi.

 

GPS: Twenty six miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: We run together for a mile or so. And then, when we hit a marathon, we part ways. I’m feeling really good. I’m following Sarah’s advice. I’m maintaining my effort, not speed.

 

COACH SARAH: If you pace yourself properly, you will be able to have the effort to go at the end. 

 

NICOLE TEENY: So I’m just trying to tell myself, “Four half marathons. It’s less than four half marathons.” And, like, I can do a half marathon, easy. So I just have to do four of them. But the finish is so far away. No matter how I cut it, 50 miles feels intimidating. I try to re-frame it. The concept of a mile is just made up. And 50, it’s just a number. That’s it. I can do this. And I speed up.

 

GPS: Twenty seven miles, 28 miles, 29 miles, 30 miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Then– that was a horse. I have to, like, be careful when they cross. They must have just gotten out of vet check. But that’s okay because, behind me, are still seven horse, okay, six, five horses, four horses. Kinda can’t believe how close I’m getting to these things.

 

NICOLE TEENY: At some point, you’re like, “I just gotta get going.” So you hope that they aren’t gonna do anything. Hello? Hi, horsey. And now, there’s only three. This dense forest and these criss-crossing loops are making it really hard for me to keep track of my placement. When I get to the intersection, my dad gives me an update on the number of horses that he saw pass him.

 

DAD: The horses at the front weren’t stopping for anything, didn’t stop for water, didn’t stop for talkin’. They just, boom, boom, boom, boom, kept going.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I need to hightail to the final vet check at mile 35. I want to maintain a lead on the three horses behind me and, maybe, pass a few others while they’re on their break. Once I cross that 31-mile threshold, though, this will be the farthest I’ve ever ran in my entire life. And I’ll still have 20 miles to go. I’ll be in uncharted territory.

 

GPS: Distance: 31 miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Thirty one miles. Here we go. But as I turn around the corner, I see some seriously steep hills. I’m gonna have to use my hands to climb. (SIGH) Hill– hills are hard. (SIGH) Horse is a little tougher, anticipated. Turns out there’s a reason why this place is called Big Hill Lake.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Definitely some ups and down, definitely. (SIGH) How am I going to do this? And then, I hear them, the horses. They’re right behind me. One of them passes me. There’s only two horses left. But these hills are only getting more intense. So this is, like, basically scramble, here. (SIGH)

 

NICOLE TEENY: I’m on all fours. I use my hand to grab a hold of a rock and pull myself up. I am nearly perpendicular. I hear the second of the last horse creeping up behind me, crackling on branches. I can’t tell if my adrenaline is rushing from all the running or if it’s the fear growing inside me.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I turn, and I look up, and I see the horse. It is towering, near feet, above my head. Oh, my god. This is how I die. But it just zips past, gliding up the hill like a mountain goat, easy peasy. (SIGH) As the second to the last horse passes me, I feel my dream of beating a horse slip away.

 

NICOLE TEENY: My body isn’t cooperating. The final horse is approaching. Well, now, I am gonna be in last place. As I peep over the hill bow, I see a sharp downhill. That’s when I remember something that I learned from the ultra runner, Peter Mortimer, at the Man Against Horse Race.

 

PETER MORTIMER: It’s give and take, yeah. On the uphills, they’ll pass you. You’ll catch ’em on the– the downhills, generally.

 

NICOLE TEENY: They fly up. But I do see the horse is having trouble, downhill. The horses might have a benefit on the uphill, but those same four legs are a liability, going down. To get ahead, I have to lean in and trust my body to take the reins, my body, which has at times betrayed me, and the risks are high.

 

NICOLE TEENY: But I can’t do this by mind alone. The downhill is uneven and rocky. And the horse is right on my tail. If I slip, I could split my head open. There’s no time to think. I need this. I hold my breath, lean in, and trust my body. I let my legs turn like wheels on a mustang. I’m flying, lengths ahead of the horses now.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Minutes later, he passes me on another uphill. But as he climbs, he looks majestic. That was so cool, riding behind a horse. And for a second, when the horse was riding behind me, that was pretty neat. I need to book it to vet check at mile 35. This is gonna be my last shot at beating any horses.

 

GPS: Thirty two miles. (SIGH)

 

NICOLE TEENY: And I’m going up, right now. I’m almost at camp. I gotta catch up with them.

 

GPS: Thirty three miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I don’t know if any horses are in.

 

GPS: Thirty four miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Oh, boy. (SIGH) Almost there.

 

GPS: Thirty five miles.

 

MOM: There she is.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Here I am.

 

MOM: Yeah. You’re looking good.

 

NICOLE TEENY: How many horses in vet check? At the final vet check, I’m told all but five horses are already back on course. My only shot at beating a horse is staying ahead of one of those five horses. But my muscles are starting to feel like strained rubber bands. (SIGH)

 

NICOLE TEENY: I remind myself, “All I have to do is beat just one horse.” I’ve come too far. I didn’t train 1,500 miles, try seven medications, just to give up. I can do this. I grab some goo and take off for my final loop. Just 15 miles to go, but it’s not longer before I start to get passed. He must have just gotten out of the 45-minute hold, so I’m actually– I’m right behind him. So I don’t know, now, if I stand a chance to beat a horse. I call Mariel. (RING) Mariel, how many horses have passed, do you know?

 

MARIEL: When I told you last time, there was just four. And now, there was five in total.

 

NICOLE TEENY: All are on the course. And these miles aren’t adding up; they’re compounding in a growing bank of pain. Each one is getting progressively harder and harder, as my fatigue accumulates. Try as I may, I am–

 

GPS: Thirty six miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: –starting–

 

GPS: Thirty seven miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: –to–

 

GPS: Thirty eight miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: –get–

 

GPS: Thirty nine miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: –pooped. I meet up with Mariel, at the next intersection, for water. I feel like I’m gonna vomit.

 

MARIEL: I know. You’re almost there. You’ve got this.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I just feel like I was gonna cry again. I just wanted to like stop (UNINTEL) and go to sleep. Oh my gosh.

 

MARIEL: You’re allowed to think, and be tired, and be annoyed. Your body’s being pushed to the limit.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Well, (UNINTEL PHRASE). Ooh, I can’t stop. I hurt everything.

 

MARIEL: Yeah. Don’t stop, until you’re done. Yeah. We gotta keep going, habibi. You know it’s– it’s hard– it’s hard.

 

NICOLE TEENY: At another crossroad, someone gives me the lowdown on my placement. So what was the update with the horses?

 

MALE VOICE: So you’re ahead of two.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Only two?

 

MALE VOICE: Yeah.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Oh, my god. That’s not very many. Oh, boy. It’s gonna be close. Only two behind me? Oh, my god. I really have to push, more than I thought, I approached my last intersection with my family. If I don’t beat one of these two horses, it is over. I gotta go. This is my one chance, you know?

 

MOM: Are you good for the bridge?

 

NICOLE TEENY: I’m good for the bridge. This is my last chance–

 

(Overtalk)

 

NICOLE TEENY: –get ahead of them. Anything else? (NOISE) I hear some horses. Okay. I think this means I have to go, you guys.

 

MOM: Okay.

 

DAD: All right. Go after it.

 

MOM: Yay. Go through it.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Thank you.

 

MOM: Bye.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Bye. Mariel comes to run with me, one last time.

 

MARIEL: How many miles in are we?

 

NICOLE TEENY: I have no idea. (UNINTEL)?

 

MARIEL: Yeah.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I’m sad to see it end. I’m surprised to be saying this, but I am sad to see it end.

 

MARIEL: Oh. That’s not over.

 

NICOLE TEENY: No. I don’t mean– I mean the whole thing, the whole returning to race (UNINTEL). I’m like, I’m out of (UNINTEL). Oh. When the race is over, that part’s over, but the epilepsy is still there. And there’s, like, no more reason to have it. I don’t want to think about it, but (UNINTEL). 

 

NICOLE TEENY: Somehow, the more I think about how made-up this race is, the more real it feels. My journey leading up to this point, the seizures, the auras, the medication roller coaster, my training, my independence, they all mean something because of this race.

 

NICOLE TEENY: This race gave me something to run towards, a finish line. But without it, what will my epilepsy even mean? Sure enough, the final two horses are creeping up behind me. There’s no more vet checks. If they pass me, I’m gonna be dead last.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Is this the last person behind me? If this is you guys, oh, my god, then, I’m losing. I can almost feel their breath on my skin, surrounding me like that dust cloud in my dreams. But this time, the approaching horses aren’t a dream. They are real, very, very real.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I dig my heels in, forcing my body, believing harder, with every step. I’m getting out of breath, but they are still gaining on me. You’ve been through so much harder than this. Push. Push. Push. Things had been harder, but I got through it. I buckled down and did it.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Here I am, racing a horse. My body may feel like giving up, but this is the point where I need my mind to take charge. This is what I’ve been waiting for. This is what I’ve been training for. But my legs won’t move any faster. I’m beginning to worry that they’re gonna give out, altogether.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Just when I think I can’t go any further, I reach within my soul and I summon the most powerful force I know. (GALLOPING) And that’s when I feel the mysterious horse from my visions emerge, right here on the trail. So I ask her, “Is beating them even possible?”

 

MZ HORSE: What is your mind telling you?

 

NICOLE TEENY: I listen to my mind, my mind not as it used to be, but with the strength I’ve gained through this journey. I make a quick calculation, based on the speed that they’re going and where that finish line is.

 

MZ HORSE: What is your body telling you?

 

NICOLE TEENY: I tune in. Training and epilepsy have taught me how to listen to my body, my body not as it used to be, but my body as it is now. In that moment–

 

MZ HORSE: You know the answer.

 

NICOLE TEENY: –we know the answer. It still isn’t enough. Just as I can’t wish my way out of epilepsy, my mind can’t force my body to do something beyond its physical limits. I will not beat any horses. I feel defeated. But the race is still going. The finish line is still eight miles away.

 

NICOLE TEENY: The futility of it all is starting to set in, beating the damn horses, 50 miles, the picnic table finish line, especially the picnic table finish line. I have put so much god damn weight into that finish line. But it is literally just a picnic table, nothing special on its own.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Crossing it isn’t gonna change anything. At the end of the day, I’ll still have epilepsy. The trail, after the finish, continues, just like after this race, my epilepsy continues. The finish line is just an imaginary concept, no more real than–

 

MZ HORSE: Than me.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I’ve spent years of my life, training, dragging Mariel into this, and for what? A failed self-involved stunt. I look behind me. The two remaining horses are right there. This is it. I’ve lost. The rider of the first horse calls out to me, “Do you want to tail?”

 

NICOLE TEENY: Tail? What the heck is that? She tells me, “Tailing is when the rider hops off the saddle and grabs a hold of the horse’s tail. The horse pulls the rider along. Together, the horse and rider move as one.” It’s something she and her horse do together, all the time.

 

FEMALE VOICE: Do this. And then, we’re gonna get the hills. And you grab on. And then, he’ll pull you.

 

MZ HORSE: Do you want to tail?

 

NICOLE TEENY: I don’t know. It’s– will it kick me? If I tail, my face is gonna be right behind the first horse’s legs. And if something happens, I could fall and get trampled by the second horse. It could be disastrous. Up to this moment, I’ve been too scared to get too close to horses. Those in real life and those inside me. And now, this rider is asking me to put myself in the most vulnerable position.

 

MZ HORSE: Do you want to tail?

 

NICOLE TEENY: I only have a few seconds to answer before they pass me, anyway. Do I want to tail?  I want to take what scares me and seize it. I want to live in the unknown. I slow down to a jog, step to the side, and then move into place in between the two horses.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Okay. Yeah. I take the horse’s tail in my hands. It’s coarse, organic, living. Oh, wow. Wow. Oh, my gosh. Wow. The horse pulls me forward. Like in the desert, the rumble of the horse’s footsteps quake through my body. Its feet kicks up dust into the air. This time, I’m not racing against my horses; I’m running with them. Become the animal.

 

MZ HORSE: Become the horse.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Become the horse. I hold the tail tighter. And together, we run through the dust. Our legs are moving as one. My feet lift in the air. Every step is lighter and faster with the horse than I am, alone.

 

MZ HORSE, NICOLE TEENY: Our bodies, our minds, our being, one being.

 

NICOLE TEENY: She and I are one, now. There’s something I learned back in my research about persistence hunting, that in order to track down the animal, you have to develop empathy with it. You have to know the animal, think like the animal. You have to feel its body in your own body. For a fleeting moment, you have to become the animal. I have to accept what is feral, what is unknown.

 

MZ HORSE: It’s time to make your peace.

 

NICOLE TEENY: It’s time to make my peace. I’m no longer sure that the mind is as separate from the body as Descartes thought. There will always be a part of me that I cannot control. I thought I needed to beat the horses because I thought I had to overcome my body. But I am the body. I am the mind. I am the horse.

 

NICOLE TEENY: My mind has gotten me to this point, for which I’m grateful. But now, I have to let the body lead. (LONG PAUSE) After a few minutes, the horses slow down and I release the tail. I watch as the two horses gallop off into the sunset– okay, not the sunset. It’s still early afternoon, but I’m getting that vibe. The sensations come back into my body, but I relax into the discomfort.

 

GPS: Forty seven miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: These last few miles are out in back, so when I reach the turnaround point, I pivot towards camp. I’m almost at camp. I’m almost there. I’m almost to camp. I can do it. A few minutes after turning around, I see a horse approaching me. It’s going in the opposite direction, still heading towards the turnaround point. Was there a horse behind me?

 

GPS: Forty eight miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: I pass another horse going the opposite way and then another.

 

GPS: Forty nine miles.

 

NICOLE TEENY: The final mile. Of course, the end is a hill. (SIGH) (SHOUTING) I can hear them, almost at the trail exit. I emerge and I look for the picnic table. Is this the end?

 

MALE VOICE: Yeah. It ends up here, past the ponies. (CHEERING)

 

NICOLE TEENY: We did it. (APPLAUSE) To my surprise, a crowd has gathered, not around the picnic table, but on either side of the camp road. Among them are Mariel and my parents. Two riders hold up an ad hoc finish line, just for me. Ten feet of bright yellow construction tape. I can feel the slick yellow plastic of the tape envelop me before I break through.

 

GPS: Fifty miles. (BEEP)

 

MOM: There she is. (APPLAUSE) You go. (PANTING) 

 

NICOLE TEENY: Oh. That’s so cute that you guys (UNINTEL).

 

MALE VOICE: You made it. (LAUGH)

 

NICOLE TEENY: The crowd cheers as the tape slides down my body and sinks to the trail beneath me.

 

DAD: Oh, wow.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Oh, my gosh. Wow. There is no finish line in this race, nor my race with epilepsy. But Mariel, my parents, and all of these wonderful people made a finish line for me. They gave it meaning. And that meaning made it real. And now, it’s over. And a couple of riders come over with some news.

 

FEMALE VOICE: You know, I’d like to say you did a great job. Way to– way to go, out there.

 

FEMALE VOICE: Wow.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Oh, my gosh.

 

FEMALE VOICE: You beat eight horses.

 

NICOLE TEENY: No?

 

FEMALE VOICE: Yeah.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Just kidding, I do want to beat some horses.

 

FEMALE VOICE: There’s eight– eight 50-mile horses, (LAUGH) still out. There are eight 50-mile horses still on trail, eight of them.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Really?

 

FEMALE VOICE: Yep.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Whoa. Like, eight–

 

FEMALE VOICE: You did it.

 

NICOLE TEENY: –running horses?

 

FEMALE VOICE: Yeah. Eight horses haven’t come in, yet. (APPLAUSE)

 

NICOLE TEENY: I can’t believe it. My heart is racing, but this time, from joy. For most of this race, I thought I was dead last. I thought I hadn’t beaten any horses. But I hadn’t beaten just one horse; I had beaten eight of them. That’s, like, half of my competition.

 

NICOLE TEENY: It’s true. I cannot believe I beat eight horses. I honestly cannot believe that. Like, I was very certain I was dead last. (LAUGH) I might cry. Yeah, it was pretty– it’s pretty emotional. It’s weird. Yeah. But I’m mostly just happy to be done. I look at the yellow tape on the ground. “Caution,” is written all over it. This finish line, however made up, kept me going. But the trail continues. Now, it’s time to move forward. So I tell myself–

 

MZ HORSE: Step over the tape.

 

NICOLE TEENY: Step over the tape. So I do. I step over the tape. 

 

MARIEL: All right. Should we start?

 

NICOLE TEENY: Okay. Your watch?

 

MARIEL: Uh-huh (AFFIRM).

 

NICOLE TEENY: Okay. (UNINTEL) watch us, too. (SNIFF) Now, a year later, Mariel and I are married. We’ve ran three marathons together and have two more coming up. Looking back, the day of that race was one of the best days of my life. I still have epilepsy, but it’s controlled. I haven’t been haunted by any visions of stampeding horses, since that day, or heard from the mysterious horse. But, ever since, I have felt her running through my nerves. 

 

NICOLE TEENY: GIRL v. HORSE was created, hosted, and executive produced by me, Nicole Teeny. Our story editor was Jasmine (JT) Green, with additional editing by Audrey Quinn. Mariah Dennis was our associate producer. Sound design and mixing by Michelle Macklem. Original music and theme song composed by Morgan Kibby. The mysterious horse was brought to life by Summer Banks. Our production assistant was Mariel Sarkis. Additional production support by Julia Furlan, Nina Pottuck (PH), Emily Locke, Bornille Chatturgee, Lena Suh, and Katherine Bodette. Fact checking by Spoorthy Raman, legal by Sima Tilak. . 

 

For 30 for 30 podcasts and ESPN, Adiza Eghan was our lead producer. Senior editorial producer was Preeti Varathan. Line producer was Catherine Sankey. Associate production by Gus Navarro with Isabella Seman. Production assistants were Andrew Distler, Diamante McKelvie, Anthony Salas, and Andrea Gomez Carillo. Executive producers for ESPN Films and 30 for 30 are Heather Anderson, Marsha Cooke, Brian Lockhart, and Burke Magnus. Senior producers for ESPN Films are Marquis Daisy and Gentry Kirby. Producer for ESPN Films is Carolyn Hepburn. Director of development is Tara Nadolny. Rights and clearances by Jennifer Thorpe and Kaal Griffith. Legal by Dave Mayer, Scott Siedor, and Callie Riotte. Additional production support by Trevor Gill, Julia Lowrie Henderson, Adam Neuhouse, and Eve Troeh. As always, thank you for listening. You can find more about 30 for 30 podcasts at 30for30podcasts.com.