NICK ALTSCHULLER: The following podcast contains discussion of suicide and self-harm, which some listeners may find disturbing. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, or is in emotional distress, contact the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 9-8-8, or 988lifeline.org. Listener discretion is advised.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: For pretty much my entire adult life I’ve had a dream that I’m in college and I realize that I haven’t been going to class. I don’t even remember all the classes I signed up for or where they’re located. The problem is, it’s nearing the last few days of the semester, so I’m walkin’ all over the place trying to figure out courses, days of the week, room numbers, et cetera.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I decided not all that long ago to google that dream and see if anyone else ever experienced it. To my amazement, a lotta people have. I suspect it is something that is triggered whenever a person is facing a deadline and has some anxiety over it. If that were the case, then I shouldn’t have had the dream once I left the KC Star. However, I’ve had it a few times since then. Of course, knowing the ultimate deadline was coming up August 15th, 2013 might’ve been a trigger for it.

 

RICH LEVINE: I still remember the first time I saw the headline. It was August 16th, 2013, and I was not in a good place. That summer the Celtics had just traded Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, kicking off a long re-build and really stalling my sports writing career.

 

RICH LEVINE: My personal life was in shambles. It was just one of those situations where you look around and feel like all your friends and colleagues are passing you by. A few months earlier, there had been a terrorist attack on the Boston Marathon. A few months before that there was Sandy Hook.

 

RICH LEVINE: I wasn’t feeling great about myself or humanity. And then that afternoon I was at my desk, scrolling through Twitter, when a headline from the New York Daily News crossed my feed. It said, “Sports Writer Commits Suicide, Leaves Website.” What else was I gonna do? I clicked.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I, Martin Manley, being the creator and owner of this site, neither hold nor retain any claim or copyright on any part of this.

 

RICH LEVINE: And I met Martin Manley.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: Today is August 15th, 2013. Today is my 60th birthday. Today is the last day of my life. Today I committed suicide. Today is the first day this site is active, but it’ll be here for years to come.

 

RICH LEVINE: He stopped me in my tracks.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I suspect nobody is completely satisfied, and I’m no different. No, I wasn’t fully satisfied with my life, but I was fully satisfied with my death.

 

RICH LEVINE: From 30 for 30 Podcasts, I’m Rich Levine.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: I’m Nick Altschuller, and this is Chasing Basketball Heaven. Episode four, Clock Management.

 

RICH LEVINE: It’s a bit strange now, knowing Martin Manley as well as I do, to think back to the moment I first learned of his death, that I learned he was dead before I knew anything about his life. Today, when I think about his death and think back to that headline, I feel the loss of a friend. But back in August 2013, all I had was the name and the blog: martinmanleylifeanddeath.com.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: This site is divided into two major categories. The first is the suicide, the second is my life. Under some of them are sub-categories.

 

RICH LEVINE: An index ran along the left side of the screen, a kind of table of contents with clickable sections.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: You can click and read anything you want. My life is an open book, now that I’ve closed the book on my life.

 

RICH LEVINE: Like I said, the first time I opened Martin’s site I was not in a good place. I wouldn’t say I was suicidal in that moment, but that’s not to say the thought had never crossed my mind.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: It’s important for me to have written quite a bit about my decision to commit suicide, because it’s rarely been done.

 

RICH LEVINE: It was a bit frightening, feeling the way I was, to stumble on a guy in a similar position, at least in the same line of work who figured it wasn’t worth it anymore.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: You will rarely get any details for why a person committed suicide, but that won’t be the case with me.

 

RICH LEVINE: And as I read more from Martin’s site, I quickly realized I wasn’t ready for it. Maybe his words hit too close to home. I shut my laptop and took a walk. As time went on, I tried to push Martin’s story out of my head, but he was a persistent dude.

 

RICH LEVINE: Maybe once or twice a year some random occurrence would trigger the memory of that sports writer. With each visit to Martin’s site I’d read a little more. Not just about his death, but his life. By now, you know him fairly well too, so perhaps it will come as little surprise that Martin Manley’s suicide blog was simple yet exhaustingly thorough.

 

RICH LEVINE: Most of all, it was organized. Across 44 categories and 35 sub-categories, and tens of thousands of words, he covered just about everything: his childhood, his marriages, his career, in fine, quirky detail. I found myself drawn to his silly breakdowns of life’s minutia, like his favorite meal.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: My ideal food is pizza, and my ideal pizza is Godfather’s all-meat, no sausage, no Italian sausage– yuck– extra cheese. That’s heaven on earth right there.

 

RICH LEVINE: And his least favorite.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: The world is your oyster. The problem is, I hate oysters, and I hate Shakespeare. Now, if he had written, “The world is your Godfather’s Pizza,” I might still be around reading him.

 

RICH LEVINE: They were also anagrams.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: Debit card equals bad credit.

 

RICH LEVINE: Poems.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: Strange sensations envelop my curiosity, it seems. I’m curious about my feelings, about my dreams.

 

RICH LEVINE: The playlist for a four-CD mix-tape of cheesy pop duets.

 

ARCHIVAL: There’s a fire in my heart that burns so bright, can you see the light in my eyes–

 

RICH LEVINE: And one of my favorite parts, a 1,400-word argument from Mitch Richmond and Kevin Johnson to be in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: Of the 38 players in NBA history that have qualified for the Hall of Fame, and were All-NBA at least five times, 36 are in the Hall of Fame. The only two that are not are Mitch Richmond and Kevin Johnson.

 

RICH LEVINE: Then one night, something like eight years after Martin’s death, I’m up late, clicking around his website, when I land on a tab called Basketball Heaven.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: In 1986 I started researching the NBA. I began formulating ideas, and it didn’t take long before I realized I could produce a book.

 

RICH LEVINE: Now I’m tracking down this 30-year-old book on eBay. I’m reading the words of this old sports writer, begging everyone to shoot more threes.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: The three-pointer is a big advantage and should be used more effectively by NBA teams.

 

RICH LEVINE: I was struck. Did Martin Manley predict the three-point revolution? I’d spent almost a decade obsessing over this guy. From my early 30s lonely in Boston, to married with three kids in California. But now I could relate to Martin more than ever. I realized I wanted to share his story with the world. I didn’t know exactly what that would look like, but I knew it might be nice to have some company. Someone to take the wheel if the road got bumpy.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: You needed perhaps the Mahorn to your Laimbeer.

 

RICH LEVINE: Well, actually, no. It says here Mahorn is actually a year younger than Laimbeer, so that will not work.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Oh, we’re doing the old thing again? (LAUGH)

 

RICH LEVINE: Maybe the Doc to my Marty McFly?

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Very funny.

 

RICH LEVINE: Nick and I had worked together before. We even co-hosted a short-lived NBA podcast in the late aughts.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: The Dino Rađa Experience.

 

RICH LEVINE: Oof. Great show. And we talked about collaborating again, and I thought Martin was fascinating enough to pique my old friend’s interest. Nick, you remember that first conversation we had about Martin?

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: I do. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday in 2022. I was in a coffee shop. We were all still adjusting to post-pandemic life. I had two boys under five years old at home. I was caffeinated, anxious, and under-employed, and my dad had recently passed away.

 

RICH LEVINE: And it’s crazy, man, because we were talking, like, a decent amount around that time, but I don’t even think I ever knew that.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Well, yeah, ’cause we would normally talk about sports. You did know that I had tried to write my own book, which didn’t succeed. I think you read some of it. But– I never told you that the last thing I ever gave my father was a copy of the manuscript.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: He was– he was really sick at the time at the hospital, and I don’t know if he ever read it. I don’t know if I want him to have read it. I wasn’t really proud of where I was in life at the time, and I wonder how my dad felt about me at the end of his.

 

RICH LEVINE: So “Writer Kills Self” was a great project for us to get lost in?

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: (LAUGH) Actually, yes. I– I think we owe Martin a lot. For one thing, he taught us always have a project. If you spend too much time inside your own head, sometimes you forget how to get out.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I’ve planned to end my own life for as long as I remember. I didn’t put a date on it, however, until June 11th, 2012. I never accepted the archaic notion that I should simply die at some point, either in a long, drawn-out, miserable death, or in an instant for which I was not prepared. That was an insane thought in my orderly world, and I knew the only way I could be confident about going out the way I wanted was to do it at a relatively early age.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: There are never totally clear explanations for a suicide. Absolute clarity seems impossible.

 

RICH LEVINE: What we do know with Martin, however, is that he had at least one eye on his legacy.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: The point of this is that with only a brother and sister, no children, no nieces or nephews, I will have been forgotten pretty fast, unless I did something that was way outside the box.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Martin’s first step outside the box involved creating that singular, mind-blowing website, which he called Martin Manley: My Life and-Death. The site is part journal, part magnum opus.

 

RICH LEVINE: And Nick, it feels worth calling out to everyone that this website is also the source of almost all the Martin voice-overs in this show.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Yeah, it’s so detailed, so autobiographical. It reads like one man’s effort to grapple with, well, everything, including the biggest questions we all have, like whether to live or to die.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: My New Year’s resolution is to explore the idea of committing suicide sooner rather than later. Meaning, don’t just put it off until I become too old to matter to anyone, or too old to record my life for posterity.

 

RICH LEVINE: In a section of his website called “Why Suicide?” Martin clearly lays out his answer.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: The answer is in part: because I can. You may think that’s trite and that it doesn’t answer the question at all, but hear me out. The thought of being in a nursing home, physically or mentally disabled, was the single scariest thing I had ever thought about, at least on this earth. So in order to make sure that it never happened, I determined that I would have to end things when I was still semi-intelligent and physically able. That’s what I mean by saying, “Because I can.”

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: It’s chilling to read him detail all of this so matter of factly. And then to equate the act of living to tarnishing a legacy.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: It is also true that I wanted to leave on top. What does on top mean? Of course it means different things to different people. I’m inclined to think of it in a sports context because I’m such a sports fan. Very few athletes go out on top, or even close. Most play far beyond their peak, far beyond their relevance. Often times, it’s a sad sight to see.

 

RICH LEVINE: Farther down the page, Martin gives three other reasons for wanting to die by suicide. Reasons like his life insurance was set to expire, and, “Economic collapse is inevitable. Who wants to be around for that?” he asks.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: And Martin bemoans the state of the world, how bad things can be.

 

RICH LEVINE: He points to the same tragic events I mentioned were weighing on me when I first heard about Martin: Sandy Hook.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: The massacre of 20 small children and six adults in Newtown, Connecticut was perhaps the worst thing I had ever heard of in the United States, at least since 9/11. I don’t cry much, but I cried over that a lot. Even as I type this, tears are in my eyes. Even as I proof this for the 20th time, tears are in my eyes.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Just as he had with stats and basketball, Martin researched every aspect about how to kill himself. Just as he wanted the game to be played as efficiently as possible, he aimed to create the most efficient death he could.

 

RICH LEVINE: He played out all the scenarios. Overdosing, hanging, jumping, drowning all carried a risk of something going wrong, or of harming someone else. That was unacceptable to Martin. For instance, he considered closing his garage door and running his car.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: That might’ve been the best option if it weren’t for the fact that I had half a duplex. It’s very possible the fumes could escape into their living quarters and harm or kill them.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: In the end, Martin chose a handgun.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: When push came to shove, there really was only one way to go, and that was via a firearm. It’s about as certain to work as you can get.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Next, Martin calculated the best time to do it.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I guess it was just luck instead of destiny, but my birthday was August 15th. That was a perfect day to die, two weeks before my lease expired. That gave my sister two weeks to take the few things I left for her before the lease expired. And it gave my landlord time to have it ready to re-lease by September 1st. And if that wasn’t enough coincidence, my renters insurance renews on August 31st, as does my car insurance, as does my driver’s license, as does the license plate on my car. What are the odds? I always loved it when a plan would come together.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Finally, he determined the best place.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I didn’t want anyone discovering my body or witnessing it who wasn’t trained for such a thing. I finally decided the best way to do it would be at 5:00 a.m. at the far southeast end of the parking lot at the Overland Park police station.

 

RICH LEVINE: The website is both one man’s living testament to himself, and a pre-written, pre-approved obituary, created to ensure he would be remembered, to prove that he mattered.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: Let me ask you a question. After you die, you can be remembered by a few-line obituary for one day in a newspaper. Or you can be remembered for years by a site such as this. That was my choice. And I chose the obvious.

 

RICH LEVINE: If we had to guess, we don’t think Martin Manley went to sleep on the night before he died. How could he? How could anyone? What would you do, set an alarm?

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I never got over the desire to stay up as late as humanly possible. I think the reason was because I somehow viewed the end of the day as the end of one of the only days I would ever have in this world.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: What we do know is that on the morning of August 15th, 2013 Martin wrote this on his other blog, Sports and Review.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I will be posting something that just about everyone will find shocking at 7:00 p.m. tonight.

 

RICH LEVINE: He changed the outgoing message on his voicemail and walked out the door.

 

ARCHIVAL: (BEEP) Hi, it’s 4:30 a.m., August 15th. Thank you for being my friend. This is the last time you’ll hear from me. I wish you great happiness. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options. (BEEP)

 

RICH LEVINE: In November 2024, Nick and I flew to Kansas City with our producer, Raghu Manavalan.

 

RICH LEVINE: It got cold.

 

RICH LEVINE: In the early hours of the morning, around the same time Martin would’ve left his home for that last time, we headed for his house.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: We are– we’re creeping up on– Mike Mosher Boulevard.

 

RICH LEVINE: Mike Mosher Boulevard.

 

RICH LEVINE: This felt like resting an ear on the beating heart of darkness.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Or at least the heart of eeriness. Martin’s home was the right half of a duplex. It’s the first one you hit on a quiet suburban Kansas City cul-de-sac. Across the way, the neighbors have a basketball hoop in the road.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Okay, we’re here in front of Martin Manley’s house. It’s around 5:00 a.m. The stars are still out. I s– I see the Big Dipper, right outside his door, actually. Martin loved the stars, and to think that he might’ve walked out of his house, you know, for the last time, looked up and seen a sky full of stars.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: When our family moved from Topeka to western Kansas, the one thing you could count on for at least a minimal amount of entertainment was the sky. I can remember times when it was pitch black, no moon. You couldn’t see your hand in front of your face, but you could see the stars. Boy, could you see the stars.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: It seems like it might’ve been a little– it could’ve been a little comforting for him.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I know it may seem superficial, but I hated winter so bad that to die during a cold, dark, icy, snow stormy night would’ve been the worst possible way to go. If nothing else, the symbolism. As it is, I got to see another spring and another longest day of the year. By August 15th, I was as far away from winter as possible.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Right around this time Martin– walked out the door to this duplex here, you know, got into his car, and– made the drive to the Overland Park police station. And– I think right now that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get in the car, we’re gonna take this drive that– that Martin made, and– see where it leads us.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Moving down the still, pre-dawn roads, the occasional street lamp streaking overhead, we found time seemed to slow. As we considered how Martin might’ve felt in that moment, in the magnitude of it, our focus actually narrowed to life’s little things. Did he play music? Roll the window down?

 

MARTIN MANLEY: If you’re trying to imagine what it was like in the closing minutes, you are worrying too much about what must’ve been going through my head, no pun intended.

 

RICH LEVINE: On the morning of August 15th, 2013, on his 60th birthday, Martin Manley pulled up to the Overland Park police station and called 9-1-1.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I told them, “I want to report a suicide at the south end of the parking lot of the Overland Park police station at 123rd and Metcalf.”

 

RICH LEVINE: Then, holding a crucifix in his hand, Martin shot himself in the head with a Colt .380 pistol. He did so under a tree, mere steps from an outdoor hard-top basketball court. We should say that the Overland Park Police Department refused to share Martin’s 9-1-1 call. Given the sensitive nature of the call, they weren’t obliged to release it without a court order or a subpoena. What we do know from a two-page, heavily redacted report, is that Martin was announced dead shortly before 5:00 a.m.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: We did speak to one officer who remembered driving in that day, remembered that the body was already covered. He said the tree under which Martin killed himself never grew as well as the others. Eventually, it was cut down.

 

RICH LEVINE: And as the sun came up, news of Martin’s death began to spread.

 

BARBIE FLICK: What happened is I– checked my email.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Martin’s older sister, Barbie Flick, lived about 90 miles away in Maple Hill. She told us that on the morning of Martin’s death, she checked her email, which was usual for her.

 

BARBIE FLICK: Very unusual. I wasn’t one to ever check my email at work; I checked it when I got home at night. This morning, for some reason at 6:30 in the morning, or maybe earlier, I decide to check my email. So that could’ve been from God.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: As promised, Martin had left her a message.

 

BARBIE FLICK: And so I opened up the email– and I could read some of it to you. If you want the intro I could read it to you.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Please.

 

BARBIE FLICK: “Barbie and Phil.” He addressed it to both of us. “I hope this is the first you are hearing of it. Today is my 60th birthday, the last day of my life. Assuming everything went according to plan– and I’m 100% sure it did– I have been dead for a few hours.

 

BARBIE FLICK: “Please set aside your shock long enough to read this. I’m sorry for any hurt this may cause, and I understand if you are angry. Perhaps by the time you are done reading you will feel less so, but perhaps not. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make this decision based on anyone else’s feelings. I’m the only one living in my shoes. Nevertheless, I hope you can consider my actions with an open mind, and forgive me either way.”

 

BARBIE FLICK: And this is, gosh, I don’t even know, 10 pages. It’s a lot, you know? But he goes into great detail about all the planning he did, and what it took, and how organized he had to be. And– and I was so impressed. I mean, he did make it easy. He did make it easy.

 

BARBIE FLICK: I don’t think I ever stopped and cried, because he was– you know, telling me how he felt, and he was happy, and don’t feel bad. “I’m not like all the other people that commit suicide when they’re depressed. I’m thrilled.” He said he’s been thinking about– it’s somewhere in there– he’s been thinking about it most of his life.

 

RICH LEVINE: 65 miles away, Martin’s friend and Basketball Heaven collaborator, Todd Weller (PH)– who we met in episode two– received an unexpected package at home in Topeka.

 

TODD WELLER: I’m getting ready to go to work, and just sitting there having my coffee. And it’s fairly early, and we get a ring on the doorbell, and it’s FedEx dropping off this huge box to my front door. And my wife and I, we’re kinda like, “Did you order anything?”

 

TODD WELLER: “No, I didn’t.” And I go outside, and Martin had been behaving strangely for probably a year, and I– you know, I didn’t know what was up. And I saw that this box was from Martin, and before I even opened it I yelled in, “Melody, I think Martin’s killed himself.”

 

RICH LEVINE: Teri Hanson, Martin’s second wife, is a very early riser. She’d already read her email. She’d already gone out to her shed, where Martin stashed three boxes: one for her and for each of her daughters, just hours before his death.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: May I ask what was in the boxes?

 

TERI HANSON: Well– a lot of pictures, just momentoes and things. And I got– lucky me– I got his wallet. (LAUGH)

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: You got the wallet?

 

TERI HANSON: Yes. Which was the–

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: The famous wallet.

 

TERI HANSON: It was so pathetic. I mean, it was held together by strings. And we had bought– I had bought him wallets, and he just wouldn’t use ’em. He would not replace that thing for anything. (LAUGH)

 

MARTIN MANLEY: I had this puppy attached to my butt for the last 23 years of my life. I super glued it back together on multiple occasions. It became somewhat of a cold slap in the face when I realized that I had become my billfold.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Even though Martin wrote exhaustively about his suicide, Rich and I needed help trying to understand his thought process. Specifically, we wanted to explore the idea of a rational suicide. In a sense, Martin made his case for it by laying out all the reasons he had for wanting to end his life. But can suicide be a strictly rational choice? Or was Martin’s analytical mind trying to rationalize his death while battling depression or another mental illness?

 

RICH LEVINE: For insight, we spoke with psychology professor Matthew Nock, director of the Laboratory of Clinical and Development Research at Harvard.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Starting right off, like, what were your initial– impressions of Martin and his website?

 

MATTHEW NOCK: The website is interesting. You know, it’s pretty clearly written, pretty logically written of why suicide, why not suicide. And I recognize a lot of sort of traditional signs that one might see that suggest risk for suicide. Thomas Joiner is a psychologist who has this– one of the leading theories of suicide that says that people become suicidal when they feel like they’re a burden to others and they don’t belong.

 

MATTHEW NOCK: And the language he used throughout, and the things he said throughout, I think pretty clearly suggested that he perceived himself to be a burden, or– or perceived that he was beginning to become a burden. And he also seemed pretty hopeless.

 

MATTHEW NOCK: And hopelessness is one of the strongest, most consistent risk factors for suicide. So it seemed like he had done the– you know, in his internal calculus, there wasn’t hope for the future– things were gonna get worse in the future, he was gonna be a burden to others. And so for him, this is a reason to– to end his life.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Can you be hopeless and feel like a burden while not being depressed?

 

MATTHEW NOCK: Yes. Depression is– you know, is a specific set of criteria outlined in the DSM–

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: That would be the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

 

MATTHEW NOCK: You can not meet the criteria for depression and still feel incredibly hopeless, and incredibly– pessimistic, and feel like you’re a burden to others without feeling depressed or anhedonic, more days than not, for at least two weeks without having changes in eating and sleeping and so on, which are some of the criteria for major depressive disorder.

 

RICH LEVINE: When we asked Professional Nock about the idea of rational suicide, he told us about another case that echoed with Martin’s experience.

 

MATTHEW NOCK: There was some (NOISE) similar case that I just came across the other day in the news about David Courtney, English gangster turned actor. He was 64, and he left a video. He was– said, “I’m of– I’m of sound mind and body. I have incredibly severe arthritis. I’m in constant pain. This is not fun anymore. I’ve had a fun life, a long life, but I’m in pain.” Is it rational? I mean, it’s– it’s logical, it makes sense.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: We’ve all known pain. But you can’t truly experience someone else’s. A decision that may look irrational to us may make all the sense in the world to another person. Maybe Martin’s case seems to he an outlier. Martin wrote on his site that he wasn’t depressed. Remember all that going out on top stuff? And mention that’s true. But his situation also sadly aligns with a high-risk demographic.

 

MATTHEW NOCK: The highest suicide rate is in older white men– after retirement age, if you look at the charts that CDC produces. Rates are highest in the U.S. in white men, starting in adolescence, young adulthood. And they flatten out, and then at retirement age they skyrocket in white men.

 

MATTHEW NOCK: And the common thinking is a lot of this has to do with the fact that, generally speaking, males tend to be less social, less well-connected than females– and that after retirement, this really comes into play when a lot of older white men are more isolated, and don’t have social networks, and don’t have connections, and don’t have the same purpose and meaning in life that comes with work and participating in the workforce.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: It seems like he was a man– a retired man who needed a project, and his–

 

MATTHEW NOCK: (UNINTEL).

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: –death became his project.

 

MATTHEW NOCK: Yeah, yeah. I think that’s– a fair– probably fairly accurate interpretation. I’ve seen cases that are much more perplexing, where a person with young children, who’s highly functioning, very successful, very active, very fit– seemingly of perfect health dies by suicide.

 

MATTHEW NOCK: Those are really hard to understand. In this case, he’s I think pretty clearly articulating, “I feel like I’m at the end. I feel like I’m– beginning to– to become a burden. I fear becoming physically ill and relying on others to take care of me.”

 

MATTHEW NOCK: He’s sort of arguing out, or listing out, a lot of the things that people say before they die by suicide. Again, he’s doing it in a much more documented, articulate, prolonged way. But to answer your question, no, I wasn’t so surprised by the content.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: As Professional Nock says, perhaps Martin’s choice appears irrational to us. But there is a logic, perhaps a cold one. Almost Vulcan. Actually, while detailing his logic on the website, Martin references a 1991 episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, entitled Half a Life.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: David Ogden Stiers, Dr. Timicin, falls for the mother, Lwaxana, of one of the crew on the Enterprise.

 

ARCHIVAL: Would you come in for a nightcap?

 

ARCHIVAL: I wish I could.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: At first, he tries to discourage her from being interested in him, but eventually neither can resist the urge. Unfortunately, their relationship can never last. Lwaxana becomes livid when she discovers that, approaching the age of 60, Timicin is, upon returning to his planet, to undergo “the resolution,” ritual suicide.

 

ARCHIVAL: Why 60? Why not 62, 58?

 

ARCHIVAL: A reasonable age had to be set.

 

ARCHIVAL: But it’s not reasonable. Certainly not–

 

MARTIN MANLEY: Lwaxana and Timicin spend a lotta time together, discussing the concept of ritual suicide.

 

ARCHIVAL: The resolution is a celebration of life. It allows us to end our lives with dignity.

 

ARCHIVAL: Ah, a celebration of life–

 

MARTIN MANLEY: Lwaxana considers the practice barbaric, while Timicin attempts to explain that, in his culture, it is an accepted practice for all to undergo the ritual on their 60th birthday to avoid old age, infirmity, indignity, dependence on others, and the cruel uncertainty about when the end would come. Lwaxana eventually concedes. She packs her bags and sets out to accompany Timicin, to be with him at his ritual. She promises not to cause trouble, and Timicin and Lwaxana beam down, hand in hand, to the planet.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Martin writes that this story is proof that he was 200 years ahead of his time. But I watched this episode, and Martin neglects one crucial detail. The good doctor Timicin changes his mind. He decides actually he doesn’t want to die. He would like to live with the woman he loves, maybe finish that research he’s been doing to save his planet’s sun.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: But no, the people from his home planet essentially peer pressure him into dying, into conforming for the sake of their tradition. In his books, Martin would occasionally leave out inconvenient variables for the sake of his argument. He did it on his website too. Near the beginning, he writes that he made the decision to die on June 11th, 2012. But he never says why. So we asked his second wife, Teri, about it.

 

RICH LEVINE: Do you have any insight into what might’ve happened, like, on June 11th? You know he says that, like, “I’d al– I always thought I might commit suicide someday, but I– not until June 11th, 2012 did I say it’s going to be on my birthday– 60th birthday.”

 

TERI HANSON: Yeah, I do. I took him out to dinner and told him I was dating someone that I was– that I really liked. And that– and he said at the time, you know, “Maybe I’ll kill myself,” or something like that. You know, not in a threatening way. He was jo– joking. I thought he was joking, anyway.

 

RICH LEVINE: Which leads us to another aspect of Martin’s life that Nick and I struggled to understand, maybe the biggest when it comes to how he died. Martin believed in God. He held a crucifix at the end. That scrambled our unbaptized brains, because isn’t suicide a mortal sin?

 

RICH LEVINE: If you believe in heaven and hell, isn’t suicide kind of punching a ticket to a particular fiery destination? While we were in Kansas, we had a chance to ask two people perhaps best positioned to answer this question. For the last 13 years of his life, Martin was a member of an Evangelical Lutheran church in Olathe, a city just outside Overland Park. He even sang in the choir.

 

RICH LEVINE: All right, we’re outside the Advent Lutheran Church. It’s a big, beige building. (LAUGHTER)

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: And we’re meeting– Susan Langhauser and Roger Gustafson– who are no longer the pastors at this church, but were the– co-pastors when– when Martin was here, when Martin– when Martin passed.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: It should also be noted, we’re meeting Susan and Roger right after the Chiefs blocked a last-second field goal to improve their record to nine and oh for the ’24 season.

 

RICH LEVINE: They’re coming out of their car right now. Hello, congratulations on the victory.

 

RICH LEVINE: Roger, how are you?

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: Roger.

 

RICH LEVINE: Rich.

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: Rich?

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Nick–

 

RICH LEVINE: Nice to meet you.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Good to meet you.

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: Nick?

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Nick, yes. Hey. (LAUGH)

 

RICH LEVINE: Hi, Susan. We were so nervous we were gonna be bad luck for the Chiefs.

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: (LAUGH) If we had–

 

RICH LEVINE: So nice to meet you.

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: –if we had left to come over here, I don’t think I would’ve ever spoken to you. (LAUGHTER)

 

RICH LEVINE: Lovely people.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Truly. The kind to make two non-church-goers think, “I guess I could see comin’ in once or twice. It’s a good hang.”

 

RICH LEVINE: Roger has an impeccably-trimmed goatee of white stubble, and a bald head that’s almost polished. He has a calm, wise demeanor when he speaks. He makes you feel heard, and that you’re getting his best, considered response.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Susan has shoulder-length gray hair, and big, shining eyes that often look at Roger in a way that seems a little spicy for church.

 

RICH LEVINE: Don’t be a prude. They’re married.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Right out of the gate, Susan gives us keen insight into Martin.

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: We– we do a thing called dessert theater where the people in the choir would take Broadway things and perform them, and then we’d have dessert and raise money for an educational foundation or something. And the one I remember that he did with a lady who’s very artistic and very, you know, heady and I– you know, Laurie (PH)– I don’t know really what their relationship was, but they did a scene from Little Shop of Horrors. Okay, do you know that?

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: We know that’s his favorite–

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: Okay.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: –movie of all time– (LAUGHTER)

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: Oh, okay. Because– and ’cause he– and he played Seymour, and she played– the– the girl, whose name I–

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Aud– Aud– Audrey–

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: Aud– Audrey, right. No, that was the plant.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: No, but then he named the plant after her, I believe–

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: Oh, okay. Right, yeah, you’re right–

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Audrey 2 was the plant, and then–

 

TERI HANSON: –you’re right, okay. (LAUGH) So here we have Martin in his little porkpie hat, and the gal who sang Audrey, who is very tall and willowy and creative. And– and I think the rest of the choir, when they came out and said, “We’re doing this thing from Little Shop of Horrors,” they– everybody kinda went, “Really?” (LAUGH) You know–

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Did– did– did he nail it? Was he great–

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: Oh, he was wonderful. It was wonderful, you know? And that’s where you kinda go– you– here’s the little guy who sits in the dark during the night and, you know, on his computer, or writing, or whatever he’s doing. And then he comes out and does a piece from a Broadway show with this beautiful, tall, willowy gal, you know?

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: And the whole– (LAUGH) the whole congregation is like, “Did you see that–” you know? And so– I don’t even remember what anybody else did that night because that was, like, (LAUGH) the– the– the coolest thing, be we all got to see a whole different side of Martin.

 

RICH LEVINE: For what it’s worth, we desperately tried to track down a copy of this performance. And sadly, we came up short. But we did find an old home video of Martin singing Karaoke.

 

ARCHIVAL: Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me. La-da-da-de-da-da-do. La-da-da-da-da-de-da-do.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: The man had pipes.

 

RICH LEVINE: But there was still that one lingering question– logistic, if you want to call it that– around which we hoped Roger and Susan could provide some insight.

 

MARTIN MANLEY: Even though there are many reasons why I might not have committed suicide, the single biggest reason, by a mile, not to do it is because suicide is considered a mortal sin by many religions. And I can’t fault the logic.

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: I remember one adult class between services, you led it on suicide. It was shortly after, ’cause we knew people were– how do we get a handle on this? How do we think about this? I sat next to a guy who said, “The only reason I’m here and did not do what Martin did is because of fear of going to hell.”

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: And I remember thinking how totally opposite Martin’s feeling was. He had no fear at all. I mean, he wasn’t joyful about it. He was just a common– he was logical. For Martin, his suicide was logical. “I don’t want to be dependent. I wanna– I wanna go out at the top of my game,” in a way, right? And so– and so he did. But fear did not play into that anywhere. He was a totally free man, I think.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Does the absence of fear negate the sinful nature of the act?

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: The taking of– of life?

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Yes.

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: No. No. Courage doesn’t negate it and fear doesn’t negate it. Tragedy’s a tragedy. But once again, whether we live or whether we die, we don’t have the final say on God’s freedom to accept us.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: So I guess Martin was asking to be accepted. But, I mean– according to the Church, is– is Martin Manley in heaven?

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: Uh-huh (AFFIRM).

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: He is?

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: Uh-huh (AFFIRM), yeah.

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: Martin– really believed that Jesus loved him, you know? And I– I use the phrase in preaching all the time, “God loves you, no matter what.” In other words, no matter what you do, you can’t make God not love you. It’s a sinful act to take your own life. It’s a selfish act to take your own life. But it’s not– doesn’t– nothing separates us from the love of God.

 

RICH LEVINE: We spoke to Roger and Susan for more than an hour and a half. We saw where the choir performs during service. They showed us a framed picture of Martin in a back office, where he’s wearing a black fedora, of course, and holding an old, small dog with its tongue out.

 

RICH LEVINE: So was– was Martin that memorable, or are you guys just really that good at being pastors that you remember him that way–

 

SUSAN LANGHAUSER: I’ll answer that. (LAUGH)

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: He– well, no. Okay, so we were here for– together 23 years. And in that time, you see– you meet a lotta families involved. And stuff happens, and you’re– you’re privy to a lot of stuff that many people aren’t, and you see relationships break up, and– and how people handle that.

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: But to see Martin and his– ex-family– maybe they weren’t ever ex-family– but after– after the relationship broke up, they still showed up at the communion table together. They came to church. And that, to me, was– was a real picture of the Kingdom of God.

 

ROGER GUSTAFSON: And this is a family that made it work in the midst of disagreements, and pain, and all of it that goes into fracturing a relationship, they still made it work at the communion table in this place. And that’s– there’s a holiness to– to that, to being part of that. The memory of that sticks with you. It does with us.

 

(MUSIC NOT TRANSCRIBED)

 

RICH LEVINE: What Roger and Susan told us about Martin gave him yet another dimension.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Just when you think you know a guy–

 

RICH LEVINE: You have to picture him singing joyfully in a church choir.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: It’s a long way from scratching your butt with a letter opener.

 

RICH LEVINE: We all contain multitudes.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Yes, but Martin’s multitudes often feel far more multitudinous than the rest of us. Something you and I were beginning to understand in a whole new way after our visit with Susan and Roger.

 

RICH LEVINE: But our sense of Martin remains slippery. He may have left behind a shockingly detailed account of his death, a death he thought rational, logical, an attempt at a clear, firm end. But he also left behind something else, something that suggested he didn’t want his death to be the end of his story.

 

ARCHIVAL: The coordinates lead to a forest south of Kansas City in the Overland Arboretum. Now, go get that treasure, Redditors!

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Next time, on Chasing Basketball Heaven.

 

SPEAKER: He was a prepper. I’m still a prepper. You know, prepared for the worst case scenario of everything.

 

RICH LEVINE: We head back to Kansas to learn how Martin became Martin.

 

SPEAKER: I remember when I was really young he called me weird, and I, like, thought it was– a mean thing to say. But it was a compliment coming from him, because he was weird too.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: And we go hunting for Martin’s buried gold.

 

SPEAKER: I don’t know what he did with the gold and silver, but he said he’d given it to people who needed it far more than he did.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Chasing Basketball Heaven is a 30 for 30 Podcast produced by ESPN, Hyperobject Industries, and Meadowlark Media.

 

RICH LEVINE: It was reported and hosted by Nick Altschuller and Rich Levine, with Craig Kilborn as the voice of Martin Manley.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Executive producers from Hyperobject Industries and Meadowlark Media are Adam McKay, Clare Slaughter, and Bradley Campbell.

 

RICH LEVINE: Senior editorial producer for 30 for 30 Podcasts is Preeti Varathan.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: This series’ senior producer is Raghu Manavalan.

 

RICH LEVINE: The series producer is Gus Navarro.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Consulting producer was Gary Hoenig.

 

RICH LEVINE: Story editors were Jamie York and Mac Montandon.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Sound design and mixing by John Delore

 

RICH LEVINE: Theme song composed by Allison Leyton-Brown and John Delore.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Show art by Brian Lutz.

 

RICH LEVINE: Fact checking by Matt Giles and David Sabino.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Our sensitivity reader was John Moe.

 

RICH LEVINE: For 30 for 30 and ESPN, line producer is Catherine Sankey.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Associate producer is Isabella Seman.

 

RICH LEVINE: Production assistants are Diamante McKelvie and Anthony Salas.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Producer is Carolyn Hepburn.

 

RICH LEVINE: Senior producers are Marquis Daisy and Gentry Kirby.

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: Heather Anderson, Marsha Cooke, Brian Lockhart, and Burke Magnus are executive producers for 30 for 30.

 

RICH LEVINE: Rights and clearances by Jennifer Thorpe and Kaal Griffith

 

NICK ALTSCHULLER: This podcast was developed by Tara Nadolny and Cynthia Paribello.

 

RICH LEVINE: To listen to more sports series like this one, search 30 for 30 Podcasts wherever you listen to podcasts, or find us at 30for30podcasts.com. Thanks for listening.